Your probably wondering the following:
'Why is my mood so despondant?'
'My humours are so misaligned?'
'Why is it that the cat videos I usually watch aren't making me chortle like they used too?'
Well boys and girls, there is much larger underlying question that envelops all of these ponderous conundrums. What happen to those Beautiful Losers? Those Gorgeous Deadbeats?Those Adonic Failures? I'll tell you their stories three.
Meg - Meg has always been a long-term planner and being that, she assessed the current world climate and decided she needed to hit the snooze button. So about 3 months ago, Meg decided to look into cryogenics. A cold-hearted procedure that freezes a person so that they can live in another time. Cryogenic celebrities include Walt Disney, Mr Freeze, and Ted William's head. Now Meg is also a student and in turn couldn't afford the 'premium' cryogenic package, nor the desired time of 500 years. She was able to dip into her student loan and mustered up enough funding for approximately a month. So while we are all a month older, she is the same age she was in March. She needs your help though, laugh at her so that she can heat up her cryogenitals.
Rob - I know a lot of people who enjoy the plot and characters of the hit movie 'Rookie of the year'. A story of a young boy who falls on his arm and after having it in a cast for a certain amount of time, develops the ability to throw accurate 90 mph fastballs. However, peaking at the pennant championship, Henry, our protagonist, falls again and somehow his arm goes back to normal (note: it doesn't contort to even worse injured state that requires surgery but to what a child's arm would normally be).
Well here is where that trickster irony comes into play. Rob, watching Rookie of the Year, gets up to grab a drink and slips on the floor, breaking his collar bone and straining his rotator cuff. Now here's where it gets really interesting, Rob is told by the doctor, we cannot repair the damage that has been incurred and that you must put your arm in a ridiculous cast for 2 weeks. As those two weeks pass, he contacts his old York University baseball coach to tell him he has a surprise and to meet him at the old diamond at midnight of the day he gets the cast off.
It's a dark clear and crisp April night, Rob, decked out in his old uniform stands tall, his presence echoing across the diamond, radiating his baseball hopes and dreams. Ball and Glove in one hand, Rookie of the Year blu-ray in the other. A burly man lumbers out of his car in the empty parking lot, at first, the iconic Rob almost seems like a ghost, memories bombard the coach of Robbie's spectacular plays on the field, all two of them.
The heavy set man saunters up to Rob, no words are spoken, nothing in this moment is heard but the dust under their feet, the sweet hum of the grandstand lights and a deafening silence of what is to come rings in their ears. Rob stares at the couch and lets the blu-ray fall from his right hand. As this baseball opus falls to the ground, Rob breaks the silence and whispers:
'Funky Buttloving'
Now Robbie didn't know why he said that, maybe he was quoting Henry Rowengaurtner, maybe he was speaking the tongues of the baseball gods to this coach. He then dropped his glove and ball and grabbed this man by the shoulders. During those two weeks Rob had trained his legs long and hard for the this moment, his knee lifted with a force of a Chet Steadman fastball. The coach never had felt such pain as his groin felt the impact of that 90 mph knee. As he crumbled to the ground, much like the blu-ray and the ball and glove, the softest and highest whisper could be heard escaping his mouth:
'Why?'
No one can answer that question but Robert Gray himself, his secrets lie inside him and inside the penultimate summer sports movie of 1993. Ask him at our next show.
Tom - Underground Turtle Fights. Remember back in the day, that show where redneck engineers would build small robots that had saws and hammers on them and they would pit them against each other? Battle bots was a show from the 2000's that defined a generation, but it is not a original idea. The world didn't always have robots, but it's always had turtles.
Turtle fighting is where the battle bot concept comes from, you see Turtles have a hard casing shell that surrounds their cold-blooded body. This shell is a perfect piece to modify so that you can turn a regular turtle into tankerous titan of a beast. Competitors adorn these shells with spikes, blades and hammers of all sorts and pit these warriors against each other. Money is then bet on these turtles and thus the turtle fighting economy is created. There is only one financial institution that has the ethical and legal policies to maintain this budding sport's cashflow and that is Krung Thai Bank.
Thailand is bastion for many different animal fighting leagues but it prides itself on Turtle fighting. At least till now, it seems the current Prime Minister is trying to pass a law to ban turtle fighting and penalize any profits made from turtle fighting. If you have been following the news at all recently you'll know that this has caused civil unrest. The red-shirts are storming parliament and rioting in the upper class hotel district for their right to augment their reptiles the way they want. It is crippling the southeast Asian economy and grinding their development to, ironically, a turtle's pace.
Where does Tom fit into this you ask? Tom visited Thailand in 2007 and took a liking to this culture treat. Much like how other white people claim you can only truly love Pad Thai if you've eaten it on Khoa San road, Tom became a lobbyist and aficionado for the sport in Canada. He also accrued what some would call 'significant debts' while enjoying the monetary side of turtle fighting and is in the pockets of some of the more devious turtle trainers of Chang Mai region. They have asked him to return to Thailand and to use his abilities as orator and compassionate lobbyist to sway the violent riots into a celebration of life. He draws upon the origins of turtle fighting and how it brought a nation together during the violence of the Vietnam war. He states that a Thailand without turtle fighting is like a France without wine, an Italy without pasta, or a Korea without knockoff electronics.
He will be home in May and his basement turtle ring will be back be back at full capacity. Season tickets only $99.
Ladies and Gentleman, please be ready to welcome back your Beautiful Losers!
